Back against the wall

Lord, I’ve lived with my back against the wall for far too long. Life and love taught me to never trust and that safety is something rarely given by mankind, but I often forget is always found in you.

Not feeling safe has kept me running, running from blessings and everything good, because I gave myself and love to those who couldn’t love me as I needed and didn’t have the capacity to meet me where I am with you.

Forgive this self-sabotaging behavior as it took on a statement of not trusting you with my safety or relationships. It set the example telling my children they should expect the same. It told prospective relationships I wasn’t worth commitment or dedication and how I could be treated.

I gave for all the wrong reasons and in the end, it always worked against me. Simply because I wasn’t seeking the Lord or living in his presence. I couldn’t see that my loneliness and brokenness was seeking a broken world’s approval and how can anything broken really serve anything in a healthy fashion? My brokenness served with half empty means and received even less in return.

Rejection, rebellion, betrayal taught me I’d never be safe in the open, but if I don’t move away from the wall how can I expect the Lord to send the one that wants to hold me, the one I can trust, the one I can be safe with, the one that genuinely desires to love me?

I have to learn to trust the Lord with my wounds enough to step away from a wall that’s not in front of me, but behind me and doesn’t allow arms of love to reach around me. Because a hug and being held require full extensions and not just a front passing.

Help me Lord to move my feet enough to know your presence is protecting me as you prepare me for that special someone that will safely hold me and love me one day. Instill the courage I need to allow healing to take place so trust may fill the void I allowed rejection to rob. And fill me with the confidence to share love in return that is safe for everyone and is an example of YOUR tender mercies.

The blessing song

The blessing

When I first heard this song a few years ago I realized if I want my children, their families and a thousand generations to be blessed…it meant I needed to begin breaking strongholds within my life and prior generations of sin seeping into my behaviors and beliefs. I had to begin confronting everything destructive in order for healing and blessings to be released for my children.

The Lord turned my world upside down and began removing people I loved and cared for. Took me out of my comfort zone and not knowing where to turn, I felt more rejection. But as the Lord began allowing mishaps and what felt like my demise, He also began unfolding things once hidden that needed confronting so I might release angers and hates I didn’t know how to let go of. The Lord turned every trial and pain into blessings.

Singing this song “the blessing” was and is my prayer for my children. I had no idea how much disruption would take place, but two years later, I’m beginning to recognize certain things and behaviors had to be broken within me, before my family can begin receiving the blessings of this prayer I sing over them.

God is good, always good, and this morning he reminded me how much we love our babies, but even babies have dirty diapers. And we recognize that part of life’s way of eliminating toxins. We clean it up and move on. But somewhere along life’s road I began to forget the mess is sometimes just elimination, and rather than cleaning up through it, I allowed it to fester and contaminate every relationship and aspect of life.

The Lord is teaching a hard-headed Judy how to clean up so her children may no longer suffer from generations of toxic baggage.

God has blessings for each of us, but it sometimes takes recognizing what needs letting go of in order to fully embrace and take hold of the blessings.

Daffodils

She lays dormant for seasons on end appearing to be dead and useless.

She’s unseen and quietly growing and multiplying in unawares.

She’s spreading her roots taking stronger hold, preparing for her season and time.

She’s one of Spring’s first blooms to greet us with sunshine and smiles.

She’s the encouragement of new beginnings.

She’s fragile, yet resilient showing us she defied the odds.

She the promise of hope and evidence of survival.

Maybe SHE, is you and/or me. We too have seasons and moments in time we don’t recognize what is taking place deep within or down below. A bulb that by all appearance is ugly to the eye, yet her bloom trumpets a resounding hello to the world longing for the promise of Spring.

Picking up the Pieces

Life scattered like pieces of a puzzle.

Chaos looming seeming to reveal no answers.

Eyes glancing, searching, asking what fits where?

The answer laying before us, but hearts to frantic to see,

Focus begins when fear removes itself from the desperation.

Colors, shapes, and patterns begin to reveal themselves; connections begin to unfold.

The Lord says sometimes we cannot see the entire picture because we fail to focus on the specific need or parts required.

Sometimes answers come only after we surrender the solution and question before The Lord. Clarity opens hearts, eyes, and minds in order each piece begin making proper connections.

Each piece attracts our eye and guides our hand in due time and not before. It seems pieces missing, they are not, they just haven’t been discovered yet.

Sometimes another set of eyes are needed to see what you cannot and sometimes another set of hands are needed to move pieces so connections can be seen and made.

Trust the process and trust the Lord to provide each piece when the answer is ready for you to receive. Don’t rush it.

A tear’s a tear

A tear’s a tear

Each feel the same

Be them tears of joy

Or tears of pain

Tears are the release

Of what’s pent up inside

And the body doesn’t know

Nor can it decide

For even expressing

What feels wonderfully good

Stirs up emotions

Often misunderstood

Pain and struggles

Joy and grief

Are met in tears

As emotions release

The outward appearance

Says we must be sad

But every tear’s

Isn’t always bad

Tears are the steam

That let energy out

Like the boiling kettle

Of a teapot spout

Good or bad

Even in between

Tears release

What no eye has seen

They hurt, yet heal

Often misunderstood

Seen as painful

Yet can-do healing good

Years of tears

Pent up inside

Being released

So no longer reside

The pain of each

And every tear

Has introduced freedoms

As I confronted each fear

Tears are always

What they seem

They can unfold healing

The year haven’t seen

So do not worry

And do not fret

For God still catches

Each tear you shed

So, cry the cry

Release the pain

Let loose the tear

So healing is gained

Pain

Maybe the goal is not to forget the pain, but to embrace it in such a way the memories of it take us to better places.

Iron sharpens iron

Sandpaper against sandpaper destroys each other

Recognizing the elements around us and how we apply them will either increase our ability for good use, or destroy our ability to be used at all.

Know what we surround ourselves with and the usefulness of that presence.

Freedom

Freedom is better, but not easier

It requires change

Slavery offered consistency

Freedom requires work

Bondage requires nothings, it’s all provided within reason

Freedom

Requires faith

Freedom is tough

76% of prisoners return within five years

Healing and deliverance require change.

My hearing return requires new adaptations

New- feels like: new friends, places, behaviors

Bondage is easier in the front end. But challenges us in the long riad

Stronghold is a castle or forte. It doesn’t just appear. It’s built brick by brick

Our experience tells us an opinion is truth, but opinions are simply arguments against God.

Bellowing Breaths of Deep Sleep

I lay here waking from an afternoons slumber. I hear my Dixie dog’s rhythmic bellowing soft and deep. It ushers in feelings of peace for me.

Something about it feels familiar and safe. As if I’m enmeshed in a wonderful memory I can’t quite name. But it tells me everything is good with the world and the depths of her rest assure me it’s true.

Her bellowing breaths tell me she’s completely where she needs to be in this moment and her steady guard over me gets a moment to find her safe place too.

And somehow I find enormous comfort knowing she’s found this moment of resting so deeply, because it tells me she too feels safe enough to let her watch take break knowing I’m resting too.

She’s not just a pet and she far exceeds service dog, for she adopted me and now we’re family.

Butterflies are Free to Fly

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Butterflies are Free to Fly 〰️

How does one sit beside her mother watching her die? The decline of her body, labored breathing, and nary a twinkle in her eyes?

How does one watch a decline that began years before we knew it was, turn rapidly and yet suffering slowly, and before our eyes her body being sucked in to dehydration and no food or fluids.

A transformation before our eyes that seems horrifying. And I cry out to the Lord seeking his wisdom and understanding. I cry out “Lord, I know where mother goes she will be made wonderfully new. Her memory restored, her body and mind completely healed. I’m trying to rejoice, but it’s hard saying goodbye”. Then the Lord moves within my soul and asks me to look at my mother again.

“What do you see?” He asks…

“a shell of my mother” I reply

“A shell or a chrysalis?” He prompts

He continues “to be transformed one must endure the process. A caterpillar, chrysalis, butterfly…in order your mother fly, she must enter into the shell of a chrysalis…what looks like stagnant death to you…is my hand transforming her to fly… Every caterpillar looks dead because I can’t let you see how I move in the transformation and if eyes understood, they’d miss the miracle.

Get ready, she will soar soon.”

And suddenly this frightening frame of a woman known as mom looks radiant to me as I understand Gods glory differently now. So no longer fearful of her being, but excited for the transformation and where she will get to spread her wings.

Beaches

Who doesn’t love a scenic view of a beach? I do, but I’ve often found myself drawn to views that shared scattered rocks and boulders. Never understood why this drew me in, but it seemed to bring attention to shifting shadows and subtle changes in each moment I’d view the same scene. The stones seemed to welcome something different for me.

While watching a show I had to pause for a moment as the boulders in the beach screamed “pay attention!” There’s a lesson in this.

My mind immediately thought of the poem by Robert Frost the Road Less Traveled. The stones represented obstacles and diversions. They were scattered without rhyme or reason and yet with specific purpose. I felt like God was telling me sand beneath bare feet feels amazing, yet a small pebble in the shoe is irritating. In life diversions may get in our way, like some of the beach rocks, we can walk around them or over them. We can sit and rest upon them and sometimes build with them.

The rocks or boulders in life aren’t always meant to detour us but may actually serve purposes of protection we don’t see. The rocks at beach edge often promote sea life and invite creatures to nest, feed, and expand, something we won’t always find on sandy beaches.

As I reflected upon these prayerful thoughts, I was prompted to turn to ChatGPT to learn more scientific aspects of the differences. I’m sharing them with you as you may be just as unaware as I was.

Sandy beaches

On a sandy beach, the wave energy is spread across millions of tiny grains of sand.

Sand shifts easily with every wave.
During storms, large amounts of sand can be washed away.
During calmer weather, some of that sand may be carried back onto the beach.
Sandy beaches are constantly changing—they’re very dynamic.

The beach itself acts almost like a cushion. The sand absorbs and redistributes much of the wave’s energy.

Pebble and cobble beaches

When the shoreline is covered with pebbles and rounded stones:

The waves must lift and roll those rocks.
That movement uses a tremendous amount of energy.
Less wave energy reaches farther inland.

The stones themselves become a protective armor over the shoreline. You’ll often hear the loud rattling sound as waves pull the stones back—that sound is literally rocks absorbing energy.

Boulder shorelines

Large boulders have an even greater effect.

They:

Break incoming waves into smaller currents.
Create turbulence that dissipates wave energy.
Slow water before it reaches the land behind them.
Help protect cliffs or soil from direct erosion.

Instead of one powerful wave hitting the shoreline, the wave is broken into dozens of smaller currents flowing around the rocks.

A sandy beach is like a pillow—it deforms and moves with the force.

A rocky beach is like many padded blocks—each rock takes part of the impact, so no single point receives the full force

In engineering, this is why riprap (large rocks placed along shorelines) is commonly used to protect coasts, riverbanks, and dams. Rather than trying to stop the water completely—which often fails—it breaks up the water’s energy and lets it pass through in a controlled way

Food for thought and introspect that will make me see each beach different now.

Sometimes what feels like a deterrent is for my protection and offering lessons unawares needed. Our Lord will make a way when we think there is no way. sometimes the path is smooth like sand or path straight, other times I rock or two, maybe even a mountain get in our way forcing us to look at our options.

God only knows the depths of Love

Thank you, Lord,

for everyone I’ve loved

and

Thank you for those that hurt me.

Because of them,

I’m finding my strength in YOU

Thank you for every joy

And every pain

For in every wound,

Healings gained

Thank you for

Arms that held me tight,

And rejection walking

Out after a night

Thank you for a love

So sure

Your TRUTH prevails

I am secure

Thank you for

What was misunderstood

Because in the gaps,

YOU always stood

Thank you, Lord,

That YOU can see

Every hurt and meet

Every need

Thank you, Lord,

For each seed you sow,

That plants my feet

And feeds my soul

Loving you beyond the Ending

When I say I love you, doesn’t mean everything was perfect. Doesn’t mean there weren’t hurts and heartbreaks. It doesn’t mean I’ve denied what happened or pretended it’s all okay.

When I say I love you, it means that beyond every wrong, hurt or harm, I never stopped believing in you or for you. It means I’ve forgiven you for things intentionally or even unknowingly done. It means I’m recognizing my part too, knowing I’m not the easiest to love either. And yes, I’m forgiving my part in failing the relationship and situation that contributed to the ending of it.

Saying I love you after the ending, doesn’t mean I’m still holding on, not moving forward, or begging you to return, but that I recognize the value you contributed to my life and how incredibly thankful I am for that experience.

When I say I love you, it means I’ll always wish you well and pray for your future wellbeing and happiness. My love for you goes beyond myself and selfish needs, knowing you deserve blessings as much as I do.

Knowing I will always love you gives me the space to acknowledge my heart has the ability to grow stronger and expand beyond any one situation. While giving myself permission to know it’s okay to love in spite of the aches and breaks we sometimes feel.

Loving you tells me I was alive and better yet, I AM LIVING with a new zest for life because I’m able to remember I can still love.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I desire a soft shoulder to cry on, arms holding me tight, and tears gently wiped from my face,

Sometimes I might need a sound mind that thinks with systematic logic helping me process from a different perspective.

Sometimes I need the class clown giving me belly laughs until I’m doubled over forgetting all the pain.

Sometimes I require a hard dose of reality that knocks me upside my head to awaken me into a sobering reality that needs changing.

Sometimes I need lifted by dance and song, with melodies and beats soothing the savage beast hidden deep within.

Sometimes I need to find a quiet space to reflect alone and listen to God. To process from a place only quiet can speak.

Sometimes I need to witness the hand of God through the beauty of nature and all its wonders that illustrate the miracles of life surrounding me.

Sometimes when I’m feeling alone in this great big world and every mistake or consequence tells me I deserve nothing.

Sometimes, actually, all the time, I need prayer, simple, yet powerful, putting everything under my feet so the Lord can move through it all meeting my every need.

And while in my sometimes, I feel lost, confused, and rejected, The Lord steps up and reminds me He’s given me friends like each of you.

And THIS is the blessings in SOMETIMES

A tear’s a tear

Each feel the same

Be them tears of joy

Or tears of pain

Tears are the release

Of what’s pent up inside

And the body doesn’t know

Nor can it decide

For even expressing

What feels wonderfully good

Stirs up emotions

Often misunderstood

Pain and struggles

Joy and grief

Are met in tears

As emotions release

The outward appearance

Says we must be sad

But every tear’s

Isn’t always bad

Tears are the steam

That let energy out

Like the boiling kettle

Of a teapot spout

Good or bad

Even in between

Tears release

What no eye has seen

They hurt, yet heal

Often misunderstood

Seen as painful

Yet can-do healing good

Years of tears

Pent up inside

Being released

So no longer reside

The pain of each

And every tear

Has introduced freedoms

As I confronted each fear

Tears are always

What they seem

They can unfold healing

The year haven’t seen

So do not worry

And do not fret

For God still catches

Each tear you shed

So, cry the cry

Release the pain

Let loose the tear

So healing is gained

Wish and a Prayer

“Some only see a weed; others see a wish” unknown

Could it be a WISH and a PRAYER are the same thing, just spoken in different languages of the heart.

Prayers

You can’t pray for patience without expect reasons to wait

You can’t ask for healing

Without feeling the wound

You can’t understand peace

Without knowing the war

You can’t embrace acceptance

Without having been rejection

You can’t appreciate wealth

Not having gone without

You don’t understand wisdom

Until you’ve been with a fool

You don’t comprehend laughter

Until you’ve cried real tears

You can’t cherish friends

Until you’ve been alone

You can’t appreciate quiet

Until you’ve been silenced

You won’t cherish a hug

Until no arms hold you

A tune holds no rhythm

If you don’t learn to dance

A song can’t be sung

Until imagination feels

You can’t celebrate freedom

Until you’ve felt bound

You can’t long for heaven

Until you’ve seen hell

Light won’t brighten your path

Until you’ve been in the dark

And

You can’t understand love

Without knowing hate

Everything has a purpose,

a reason and a rhyme

It all comes together when we give it time

I am Judy

I am everything

And nothing

You’d ever expect

I may surprise you

Or

Disappoint you

But

I will keep you on your toes.

I’m more open than most

And that

Is scary in itself

But I will not

Lie to look good for you

Or deny

Any of my flaws

I am an open book

And you can read me easily

You will know my tender side

But see my fury

In a heartbeat too

I am Judy

I am all I know how to be

And while sometimes disappointed

I’m still really glad

I’m me

Carnival Ride

Do you ever feel seasons in your life like it’s a carousel going round and round, up and down? Just asking for things to slow down enough so you can jump off? But then you find you landed you on a roller coaster and things sped up with twists and turns you didn’t see coming? …that about sums up my life right now. Looking for ways to enjoy this ride even though it honestly scares the heck out of me.

The Lord has never promised us EASY, but a life with purpose and hope. Sometimes it’s the consequences of our choices that take us into chaotic life patterns. But in the end, when we seek the Lord, every up and down can be used for something worthwhile and our trial becomes our testimony, our brokenness, our blessings.

Yes, sometimes the carnival rides of life can feel more like a haunted mansion but trust the process and recognize when the Lord is telling to jump off the ride, change directions, or embrace the lesson to be used later.

Som