My Mental Health Story
I remember so much of my life feeling angry and I didn’t know why. I would go to doctors and they’d misdiagnose me and give me the improper medications. Unfortunately this only began escalating things taking me from anger to rage and eventually attempted suicide. And maybe this is where my story or fight begins.
Following my attempted suicide at 46 and a new diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder I quickly discovered a world of fear. No it was not a fear within me, but fear the world seemed to have of me. All I wanted and needed was to feel somebody, anybody cared enough to sit with me, hold me, talk to me and just listen. But instead, people saw me coming and walked the other way. Even my church said they didn’t know how to help me. I felt rejected, unloved, unwanted, and all alone. No one wanted to understand what happened or what I was feeling inside. Yes, there were a few who pretended to want to care, but I was treated like a fragile China doll and I could tell if emotions got too deep, they’d panic. It was they, that were fragile and afraid, not me.
No, I’ve not been ashamed of my Bipolar diagnosis because it has actually brought me some relief to know there was a reason for some of my issues. But I also knew this was not to become a reason to continue acting out. It was not to be a crutch for self medicating or doing my own thing. For me, this was an awareness that I chose to face head on and not allow this disorder to define me. I was determined I would learn to manage this and not allow it to control me anymore.
I’ve met flack in this mindset and there are those who wish I’d sweep it all under the rug. This diagnosis possibly taints the image of a “perfect family”, but as we all know, no person or family is perfect and if we look hard enough we may even discover it’s in these imperfections life takes on a whole new quality of uniqueness. The world wants to stigmatize mental health, they shame us not because they don’t care, but because it triggers a fear of not knowing what to say or do. In reality none of us know what to do. And often those of us in the struggle may not know what we need. So it becomes a battle of sorts trying to figure out the best approach and all too often the “flight” factor kicks in first.
So, what am I really wanting to share? I want you to understand that those of us who struggle with mental health issues are just as afraid as you are. We don’t always know what we need or how to express it. We feel your fears and that, can intensify other emotions within us. We want to feel safe enough to know someone cares enough to listen. We want you to also feel safe enough to ask questions such as: “what can I do to help you through this? Is there anything you need to talk about that will help you right now? “. God can direct the questions and if a person is not comfortable in sharing they will let you know. We are not always looking for answers, but to be heard. Sometimes it is in the process of talking we begin recognizing what we feel. We want to feel like we’re not judged by your fear and lack of understanding. We want to feel like we still belong and fit in to society, and for me, I needed to know I could still be used by God. We need to know that our lives matter and although we struggle we can still make a positive impact in life. We need to feel embraced as if the world is trying to understand and care. We need to know there is a hope beyond what feels like chaos in our minds and lives. We simply need someone bold enough to open their arms and show us the love of Christ through them. Because it is in understanding healing and hope begin, stigmas start breaking, which lead to an enlightenment and understanding that ushers in healing for everyone.
Mental health issues are not easy to live with or easily understood, but once fear is confronted then things can begin to improve. My goal in sharing this is simply to create topic of thought into how we each may become a positive part in the healing and understanding of those struggling with mental health. Change and growth begin with first seeing the need, so with prayers enclosed a new vision and understanding will begin to unfold.
